I should be taking dance.

I am struggling.

There is this basic, integral, core issue with shintaido. The martial arts foundation. The martial part.

Today, to understand better the movement I was trying to learn, I asked--ok, is the bo a weapon?

Yes, indeed.

How is it used to cause injury?

And I received a demonstration. Cutting. Jabbing. And I could see my teacher being shredded to bloody ribbons as the other student showed the different moves. I felt rather sick the rest of the class.

As I walked home carrying my 'weapon', I thought about aiming it as I'd tried to learn today, and my mind turned it into a telescope.

Sunday, I learned some very basic sword techniques. I had trouble integrating the concept of the wooden edge as a blade. The formal eloquance of the moves held me as long as I did not think blade.

Something deep within is resistant.

If I were reading this, I'd say, Come on. You're this far along and you're not getting what martial arts are about? And I remind myself, the martial arts concept appealed to me initially in the sense of developing inner and outer strength.

I am lost.

I am drawn to tenshingoso: five heavenly phenomena

And I am quite fond of my bo. It is simple, weighty, reflective, and profoundly beautiful. Perhaps it has the capacity to be used as a weapon, but will not. And therein lies its strength.