I was born less than 2 blocks from a cathedral called St. John’s. I’m living less than 2 blocks from a cathedral called St. John’s. A two-steepled building of white. The bells ring modestly to mark the hour. There’s a special little 2-note repetition to announce noon and 6 PM.

People recommend art museums and house tours, cafés and theaters. San Francisco has so much to offer.

I don’t know why that doesn’t draw me. There’s a part of me that’s focused on shintaido--or what I imagine to be shintaido--and nothing else. Then, there’s the ocean, the local birds, the unusual plants--so many amazing and fragrant fall flowers--huge hanging trumpets, honeysuckle, roses, cacti, bougainvillea, these lovely purple blooms that shed their petals, creating confetti along the streets. There are the houses--limitless shades of green, yellow, pink, orange, purple, blue. San Francisco must boast the highest paint consumption per capita in the country.

And people, how they dress, talk, behave. Such high density traffic, yet I have seen no wrecks, and drivers are more patient than in any other city I’ve been in. They insist that the pedestrian crosses first.

I pick up strong ethnic awareness and biases combined with tolerant behavior. In general, people are considerate and noisily not color/gender/whateverblind. (I know that’s rather confusing--and it is rather confusing.)

With the cool weather has come outbursts of passion: boy carries girl over his shoulder down the sidewalk. Street embraces. Rendezvous.

Halloween is exuberantly embraced. Five skeletons around a table playing poker. Spider webs 2-stories high. As I walked here, a skull-masked head poked out of a shabby bus window and told me—ooohahahaha! And I laughed.

I do have collapses of resolve. At least twice a day where I totally don’t get what I’m doing. Where I'm ready to abandon my oddly focused quest.

I hang in there--no easy alternatives--and on some level I trust this process. So, I’m afraid. You can be afraid in your room, worried about anything, watching Everybody Loves Raymond! reruns.