Wow. Four hours into the drive yesterday, and I shifted lightly into wonder. The space between the old and the new.
I only have one key, and that is to my car.
Wow.
3 comments:
Anonymous
said...
I admire you.
I'm in no way a loner. In my teenage years and the 1st year of college I thought that I was.
At the 1st job I had that involved travel, I was junior. I was always headed to meet "others" of the office. I insinuated myself into the homes of co-workers in the target cities. I didn't give it much thought. I was not rebuked (nor was I applauded).
Jobs since then nearly always required travel. I fought back at first: in the airports, on the planes, in the foreign cities, at the hotels. I tried to get clients (no co-workers any more) to go out... do things. After a couple years I could tell it wasn't working. Probably because I was getting older (possibly inwardly as well as outwardly) and I gave up. The work of cultivation yielded so little harvest.
The 2000 bust put traveling away. I've flown on two trips in 6 years. I don't miss it even one-little-bit.
Our recent road trip to S.F. confirmed my opinion. Just as I must increase my resources to maintain a healthy state, increase attentiveness to avoid knocking things over, spilling, forgetting, I find I have to work harder and harder to not be left alone in the dust.... alone. It is as if friendship is a tide that is going out. It used to well up around me and now I must purposefully pursue it -- out.
And it seems selfish. It seems too much like pushing oneself on others. Like "Old Blevins", but with shame.
How much of all of it (any of it) is really only perception? Not objectively provable from without? More old people babble on about themselves, than share concerns or commiserate or offer thoughtful advice. I suspect I am no different.
I have become resentful of situations that once afforded a sense of wonder. Cynical questions LEAP to the fore and chide the nail sticking up. Real questions. No believeable answers. In fact these 9 paragraphs are a testament to my concern.
=======================================
All of that is day to day stuff -- which cannot be ascribed to your current "on the path" way. I still value and (try) to make the most of chance opportunities which yet strike me as fresh.
To this casual but frequent reader your life at the moment seems like an explosion. The family nuclear unit burst in all directions, even your home of many years. Your network of ties to jobs and livelihood recede even today. It is a lot by choice, not dint of necessity. Such confidence in a your own ability to "deal with it" is awesome. I would see it as an open invitation to banish myself to loneliness, when maybe I should instead see it as transcending such inevitable loneliness no matter what I do. Why not? That part is going to happen anyway. Try not to cry over milk that will be spilt.
Well.
Please continue with your Morris Code across space. Its like hearing through a terrible phone connection. So little in the way of personal news, yet clearly identifiable as you. There is comfort in really seeing your aliveness, instead of just imagining it must be so.
3 comments:
I admire you.
I'm in no way a loner. In my teenage years and the 1st year
of college I thought that I was.
At the 1st job I had that involved travel, I was junior.
I was always headed to meet "others" of the office. I
insinuated myself into the homes of co-workers in the target
cities. I didn't give it much thought. I was not rebuked (nor
was I applauded).
Jobs since then nearly always required travel. I fought back
at first: in the airports, on the planes, in the foreign
cities, at the hotels. I tried to get clients (no co-workers
any more) to go out... do things. After a couple years I
could tell it wasn't working. Probably because I was getting
older (possibly inwardly as well as outwardly) and I gave
up. The work of cultivation yielded so little harvest.
The 2000 bust put traveling away. I've flown on two trips
in 6 years. I don't miss it even one-little-bit.
Our recent road trip to S.F. confirmed my opinion. Just as
I must increase my resources to maintain a healthy state,
increase attentiveness to avoid knocking things over, spilling,
forgetting, I find I have to work harder and harder to not be
left alone in the dust.... alone. It is as if friendship is a
tide that is going out. It used to well up around me and now
I must purposefully pursue it -- out.
And it seems selfish. It seems too much like pushing oneself
on others. Like "Old Blevins", but with shame.
How much of all of it (any of it) is really only perception?
Not objectively provable from without? More old people babble
on about themselves, than share concerns or commiserate or offer
thoughtful advice. I suspect I am no different.
I have become resentful of situations that once afforded a sense
of wonder. Cynical questions LEAP to the fore and chide the
nail sticking up. Real questions. No believeable answers.
In fact these 9 paragraphs are a testament to my concern.
=======================================
All of that is day to day stuff -- which cannot be ascribed to
your current "on the path" way. I still value and (try) to make
the most of chance opportunities which yet strike me as fresh.
To this casual but frequent reader your life at the moment
seems like an explosion. The family nuclear unit burst in all
directions, even your home of many years. Your network of ties
to jobs and livelihood recede even today. It is a lot by choice,
not dint of necessity. Such confidence in a your own ability
to "deal with it" is awesome. I would see it as an open
invitation to banish myself to loneliness, when maybe I should
instead see it as transcending such inevitable loneliness no
matter what I do. Why not? That part is going to happen anyway.
Try not to cry over milk that will be spilt.
Well.
Please continue with your Morris Code across space. Its like
hearing through a terrible phone connection. So little in the way
of personal news, yet clearly identifiable as you. There is
comfort in really seeing your aliveness, instead of just
imagining it must be so.
Cruddy editor.
ALWAYS preview.
All my paragraphs marks left out. Ends of lines run abutt into the next.
Yuck.
Thank you for writing. Peace...
Post a Comment