I’m studying dissociation. Yesterday, the pieces of my path puzzle fell together in a way that suggested that this might be a way to move forward. Single subject observation started first thing this morning whether I was ready or not.

I couldn’t find my keys. The clock was ticking and I’d looked everywhere three times: my purse, the pockets of the pants and jacket I wore last night, the bag that carries my gi, the counter and table where I set stuff down last night. No keys. I sat on my bed and took a breath and consciously looked around, thought about other places I hadn't considered. No keys.

I was going to be late or even miss my commitment.

I knew I was ambivalent about going. There are always reasons to go anywhere, and also reasons not to go. But I was acknowledging that in my head--did I have to hide my keys from myself to make it even harder? It felt like my brain was playing tricks on me so I wouldn’t go. But my conscious desire and intention was to go. So I was aware of all this, and still couldn’t find the keys.

I unhappily left the front door unlocked, and used a spare car key to drive instead of walk, the only way to get where I was going on time. And it was a convivial, straightforward experience.

I just returned through the unlocked front door. I walked into my room.

The keys were there, right there at my feet, in the open. Impossible not to see. I remember looking at them last night--not just a glance, but seeing how oddly one key caught light, glinting as though on fire. I deliberately left them there on the floor instead of putting them in their usual spot by the lamp. So I had actually focused on my keys--and then couldn’t find them in plain view ten hours later?

The brain keeps hidden from ourselves what the brain wants hidden. This is going to be an interesting study.