I remember standing in biology class in 10th grade, still dazed, trying to assimilate a Johnny Carson show I’d watched the night before. He had interviewed Ayn Rand, author of Anthem and The Fountainhead.

She argued that selfishness was better than altruism for the survival of both the individual and mankind. Supported her argument with a compelling logic and with examples I no longer recall.

This shook my foundation. A Catholic girl reared in Catholic schools, I was taught over and over the beauty of sacrifice of self for others. 1001 ways to do it. I was the poster child for suppression of self. I believed in the Christ-like giving of one’s self like I believed the earth rotates on its axis. Sacrifice good, selfishness bad. So obvious, was it even worthy of argument?

Ayn Rand thought so.

I did not change over night, did not become a convert. But I never forgot either.

Then, in recent years I have come to recognize how warped some of my generosity has become, how giving in is not always in the best interest of either me or the recipient. Denial of self in favor of kindness can require disconscious routine dishonesties that erode awareness.

“It’s no trouble at all.” “I want you to have the seat in front.” “I’d like to go to the movie you guys want to see.” How often are statements like those honest? Soon you no longer know your own preferences. You note with puzzlement how you emit little snide remarks, little sarcasms. Where did those come from? What disconnected blindered invalids we become. Our starved selves cry out for attention in convoluted ways that pretend to generosity.

I think again of Ayn Rand’s theory, yet even so cannot envision kindness left out off the equation of life.

Like Rumi’s quote I posted a few days ago: ‘you have two wings to fly, not just one.’ Christ and Rand wings on the same bird.